COVID scribbles on my heart

The absolute worst thing about COVID19 is death. I know many, many families have lived this hell - the inability to mourn the way we know how, the inability to comfort, to hug, to kiss & to serve! 

On day one of lockdown one of my dearest friends lost her dad suddenly. Her dad wasn’t a man afraid of death or to meet his maker, he lived an exemplary life, a real pillar in his community and together with his wife they raised lovely children that I get to associate with. She & I are part of a small group of 5 girlfriends who met at high school, we’ll be like those old lady’s on Hallmark cards in their togs laughing someday. We’re life long friends & the fact that we couldn’t be there for her hurt my heart. I’m patiently waiting to give her a long & awkward hug (awkward for her, she’s not a hugger - I plan on hugging her long & tight)! 

My parents divorced when I was a little girl & I don’t have a strong relationship with the vast majority of my extended family on either side. When I married Jeremy nearly 14 years ago his family became mine. Sure, sometimes in frustration it briefly becomes “your family” and “my family” but truthfully I love them like my own. I don’t have much experience with death in my immediate family but when Jeremy’s aunty died I got a glimpse of the pain that it brings. She didn’t have children of her own so loved Jeremy & her 7 other nieces & nephews like her own. And then her nieces & nephews started to marry & have children & her love grew bigger to touch them too. I miss her - she would allow me whinge & vent about her family (my in-laws), she cooked the best steak with mushroom sauce and she never, ever missed a milestone.

A few nights ago my children’s great-grandfather (Jeremy’s grandfather) passed away. It hurts one thousand percent more somehow in lockdown. Even though he was elderly & there was less of an element of shock, it’s no less sad! Last month he & Jeremy’s grandmother celebrated 64 years of marriage & that was probably the most beautiful part - the love between them two, the dancing, the banter, the splitting of a takeaway combo, the hand-holding, door opening & pill preparation. He in part gave me Jeremy & I can’t do life without that beautiful man so, thank you Darda!

Death is at the absolute bottom of the pit & I pray this is our last week of lockdown, I want everyone hurting to reunite with people they love. 

X.